Five Movies That Will Never Be Games

Conversations involving both “movies” and “games” usually center around which could make a debut in the other genre. Of course, when it happens, we end up with Doom and Jaws Unleashed.

Hollywood and the game industry just can’t seem to get it right when riffing each other’s works. Instead of compiling the well-worn “most promising adaptions” list, we’ve decided to compile something a bit more realistic. This list is based on the notion that much like adapting a game to a movie, adapting a movie to a game is generally just as bad of an idea.

5. Open Water

What starts off as an Endless Ocean-type diving game soon becomes deadly when you and your co-op partner emerge from exploring a reef only to find you were abandoned by your boat. For the next, let’s say 20 hours, you simply keep hitting “A” or “X” to tread water. That’s about it. Eventually, no matter what actions are taken, sharks come and devour you. Imagine if the game was sold under a typical diving game and the whole “dying” part of it was a total surprise. Best practical joke ever.

4. 50/50

Boy, would this game be a bummer. Not just because Seth Rogen would be your sidekick, but more the fact that you’re diagnosed with cancer in the first 20 minutes. What would levels consist of? Attending chemotherapy, shaving your head and breaking up Ron Howard’s daughter? Nobody would ever want to experience those in real life, let alone a game. Plus, Seth Rogen.

3. Deliverance

The worst Survival Horror game you never played. After driving down to the Georgia wilderness, you have to barter with the local inbreds for a boat. Once secured, a Guitar Hero-like rhythm sequence would occur where you have to match the banjo notes from the inbred boy. After casting off, you’d spend the rest of the game avoiding anal rape. If it were multiplayer, you’d have to draw straws for who’d play as Ned Beatty.

2. The Skin I Live In

Imagine this: After being mistaken for raping a young girl, you are kidnapped by said girl’s father, a internationally renowned plastic surgeon. Over the next six years, you are constantly drugged and given sexual reassignment surgery. Every so often, you occasionally wake up and have to fend off his advances. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Maybe the game could take place from the doctor’s (Antonio Banderas) point of view. In a twisted sort of Trauma Center type of game, you have to keep operating on and reshaping the young male patient into woman. Sounds like a perfect fit for the 3DS or Wii.

1.  127 Hours

Can you imagine the letdown of this one after the first hour? You start off mountain biking through canyons, jumping over rocks and cliffs. Eventually, you begin to scale mountains and explore caves. Sounds like a male version of Tomb Raider, right? But instead of going deeper into dungeons, you immediately fall into the split of a canyon and get stuck for the remainder of the game. Imagine the real time actions in this one. Attempting to aim a stream of urine into your camelback, by keeping an arrow centered in the middle of a gauge. Choosing different prompts in conversations to yourself. Spending four hours chipping away at a boulder with a dull knife. We must admit, though, a kinect sequence involving *SPOILER ALERT* the cutting off of your arm with a pocket knife would certainly be something to experience.