For as long as video games have existed, porn has been a trusted companion, keeping the stress of hectic battles and frustration of lost quarters at a minimum. The gaming industry existing without porn is like not getting molested at a youth soccer camp: not likely. It’s like looking at a Bob Ross painting and not thinking about how much money he probably spent on perms: it doesn’t happen. It’s like watching anything with Adam Sandler and not wondering how he can play so many different characters across so many different films so flawlessly: impossible.
That’s why YouPorn, popular adult entertainment website and consequential destroyer of countless unborn children, decided to invest in gaming; more specifically, Madrid-based competitive online gaming team Play2Win: experts in DOTA 2, HearthStone: Heroes of Warcraft, League of Legends and perpetual virginity. The team, composed of eSports veterans, team managers and (probably) Proactiv users will “pool their talents for this week’s Gamergy contest,” competing in the wildly popular (especially in Korea and Russia) DOTA 2, or “Defense of the Ancients.”
With a new name (Team YP — creative, I know), and by “extensively training with other games” for a “thorough understanding of strategy, timing, and execution,” the company is making strides in taking over the industry as we know it. Well, probably not, but they’re definitely happy to be a part of something that isn’t smut peddling. “We’re so psyched to finally make our official entry into gaming and eSports,” said Brad Burns, VP of YouPorn. “This partnership has been a long time coming, and I believe that with our backing, along with the expertise that each member of Team YP brings to the table on the virtual battlefield, we can succeed in tearing through the competition at this year’s Gamergy event.”
While it’s unknown whether Burns’ mention of “coming” and “tearing” are euphemisms, it’s clear that there’s a future for these fine gentlemen on the front-lines of living in a basement and never touching a woman. If you’re interested in watching them in action (and not the kind YouPorn normally delivers), visit the official Gamergy website.
Now, you’re probably wondering how this helps the gaming industry. Well, it doesn’t. What it does do, however, is help legitimize YouPorn (to an extent). The problem is, gaming has its share of evangelistic protesters, inculcating holy propaganda and book-burning and whatnot. Breaking that barrier with a company that sells what the stork delivers will be tough. If it’s legitimizing YouPorn wants, why not sponsor an acupuncturist or masseuse. Maybe even a nutritionist — after all, sex is good for the heart, and there’s even a book of unconventional recipes on Amazon that has a surprisingly high review score.
It’s something to think about.