Forget about the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One, those consoles are for poor people. You could buy both for under a grand, and that’s just unacceptable in some crowds. The problem is that, with the economy the way that it is, affluent gamers are forced to play with hapless, regular folk. Until now, that is. Google Glass, the still kinda pointless and overpriced tool from Google finally has some games.
- Shape Splitter
- Clay Shooter
Don’t let the complex titles confuse you — these games are pretty simple. And terrible. Granted, they were “hacked together” by Google to inspire developers, but the level of interactivity required is the problem. Google Glass is supposed to be a portable device, right? Well, if your goal in life is to look like a giant dick with emotional issues, all you have to do is say “Glass, play a game.”
It was only a matter of time before someone put a rich persons pastime inside of a rich persons pastime. It’s good, then, that most people can’t afford Google Glass, because I’m afraid to live in a world where tennis consists of balls bouncing against your face. The only thing I could see this inspiring is a myriad of teabagging jokes.
As if Google Glass doesn’t make you look like a big enough douche, Shape Splitter will actually have you swing your hands in front of your face in order to slice virtual fruit. It’s clear from the get-go that this game isn’t for people with tourette syndrome, but I suppose they have enough problems on their f****** plate. The only thing I could see this inspiring is a lot of accidental injuries.
Shooters may be all the craze now, but they’ve always been missing a component I just couldn’t put my finger on. Thankfully, Google figured it out: in Clay Shooter, saying “bang” will fire a shot. Finally, some purpose to my public finger-gun shenanigans. The only thing I could see this inspiring is some disturbed looks from bystanders.
Despite what its name suggests, Matcher is actually about matching things. Shapes, to be precise, and it all happens on a virtual board of hexagons. Alternatively, you could just not play this because matching games haven’t been fun since… well, ever. The only thing I could see this inspiring is a lot of sighs, yawns and random naps on public transportation. Wait, never mind. Bus people can’t afford Google Glass.
Surprise, surprise, the goal of balance is to — wait for it — balance a stack of virtual books on your head. Of course, you could just balance real books on your head like an Indian tribesman, but that’s only if you manage to find real books. The only thing I could see this inspiring is a lot of people to call the cops when they see a weirdo nodding sideways in the middle of the street.
Google Glass is a neat piece of tech, but it’s hardly a platform for gaming. While these distractions are only a representation of its possibilities as a media tool, they do manage to make one thing clear: fruit, plates, books and tennis balls all look surprisingly like build-a-blocks. Well, and that none of these games should be played outdoors — or ever — unless you don’t mind looking like an idiot, and possibly getting hit by a car.