Tekken’s Provocative New Character Has Wildly Fluctuating Breast Size

Once upon a time, the people at Namco Bandai lost their minds and decided the next new character to join the roster of their upcoming Tekken Revolution game would come the reject pile of past games. Options included, and none of these are jokes, a salmon, a generic old man, and Paul but with breasts. As you can see, these characters were rejected for a reason. That reason being the person who came up with them was immediately fired, both from their job and out of a cannon for ever uttering something so monumentally stupid. The character that made the final roster was put up to a fan vote, and the outcome was not surprising. Breasts won in a landslide. Specifically, breasts in the form of a scantly clad female vampire named Eliza. The runner up was even more scantly clad sexy female Tekken force member, and presumably third place went to most scantly clad sexy female Paul.

With some time to finally develop the character, Namco Bandai put up a trailer yesterday that showcases Eliza in all her glory. You can check her out here or in action below, flaunting some skin and some bitey vampire goodness.

…y’know, something doesn’t feel quite right about this trailer. I can’t put my finger on it though. Lets take a look at the early portion of the trailer again.


Ok, nothing shocking there. Well, perhaps a little shocking in that she doesn’t look like someone duct taped some watermelons onto a fence post, which is the usual method of female character design in a fighting game. She looks almost reasonable, if you ignore the horns, the outfit, and the desire the drink the blood of your firstborn. Now how about we fast forward the trailer all the way to the end and-




That’s it. Magic vampire boobs. That’s what was wrong.¬†We’ve had our experts in charge of breast size analysis go over this trailer several times, and they’ve all come to the same shocking conclusion: the cup size isn’t consistent. We have no logical explanation for this other than what the game developer warned us about. She is a fertility vampire cursing those that gaze upon her with little monsters that explode from your body and eat all your lunchables. That part also isn’t a joke, as in the “pitch” for this character, we received a dire warning from the game’s developers that the last two times they tried to incorporate her into a game, an unexplained string of births derailed the project. At least now we know the source of her power.

Does drinking blood of her enemies cause the fluctuation in breast size? Was this a mistake that incorporated an earlier version of the character design in with the current model? Am I going to be fired for devoting an entire article to inconsistencies in the sizes of fictional tatas? Until we find out, make sure you hide your wives, hide your kids, and hide your husbands, because Eliza is going to impregnate everyone out there.

4 thoughts on “Tekken’s Provocative New Character Has Wildly Fluctuating Breast Size

  1. First time meeting a Japanese vampire, huh? Well, in my experience, female Japanese vampires can alter their appearance to look like a lady of any age, at any time. So one moment, she might appear to be a loli girl with a DFC, the next she might look like a sexy OL with a nice rack, even though she’s 2000 years old.

  2. I am oblivious to the ways of female Japanese vampires, but if what you are saying is true then we have come to the same conclusion here: magic vampire boobs.

    (I did check the most reliable of sources – Wikipedia – and at least according to them the Japanese have no native vampire myths, and the first reference of vampires comes from movies of the late 50s. Absolutely no mention of vampire boobs. I was disgusted.)

  3. Steve, it’s alright man. We all figured out years ago that the “expert” in charge of breast size analysis is just you with a fake mustache.

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