We’re living in a brief period where two of the best games released recently are movie tie-ins. We need a reminder that not all of them are good. In fact, there is an ocean of terrible cash-ins surrounding those few islands of excellence. But that ocean could be polluted further. How, you ask?
Let’s dive on in.
5. Stay Alive
This 2006 budget horror movie is about a fictional horror game that kills its players in real life. In the lead-up to its release there were rumors about an actual game being developed, but they were quickly quashed by the film’s horrible ratings and awful sales. The game in the movie was a bog-standard co-op undead shooter, where players can be blind-sided and killed in an instant with no chance to respawn. Ever. Talk about Roguelike. Of course, the latter half of that would need reworking for a commercial release, but if Among the Sleep can get away with putting players in comas it stands to reason that Stay Alive could at least torture them a little.
4. Saw III
Saw III would mark the third entry in a series of highly realistic torture simulations. The first game was a better-than-expected horror-puzzle with a combat system that was *only * excruciating. The developers wouldn’t settle for anything less than perfection, though, so combat in the sequel was comprised solely of quick time events. It’s theorized that a third game would just scream at you at random intervals until you descend into madness, which would be marginally less painful than watching Saw V.
3. The Expendables 2
No respectable studio would ever publish a game based off the most obvious cash-grab in all of cinema, especially when there wasn’t even a game based on the first movie. I thought this list was supposed to be plausible.
2. Riddick (2013)
There actually is going to be another Riddick game, reportedly. Whether it will directly tie in with the new film is unclear. If it does, no good can come of it. The Riddick games from 2004 and 2009 were good – maybe even great – but there’s a laundry list of reasons why a tie-in with the most recent movie simply wouldn’t work. The filmmakers decided it would be best to pretend “The Chronicles of Riddick” never existed and make the same movie again, only slightly worse. Were a new Riddick game to adapt that movie, we’d just get a prettier, stupider version of Starbreeze’s last game. Go back and play Butcher Bay to see how well it’s aged (spoiler: not very). The last movie showed the same tricks don’t always work twice, and while Vin Diesel is the same badass he always was, even he couldn’t overshadow its flaws.
1. Transformers 5
This could easily go in a “Top 5 Movies You Wish Weren’t Happening,” article, and it would top that list, too. There have been some decent Transformers games recently, but the various movie tie-ins weren’t among them (even the High Moon tie-in sucked). At this point our only chance of being spared this game is to pray, but that’s a foolish endeavor considering that Transformers 2 already proved definitively that there is no god.