As a genre, beat 'em ups are one of the best examples of digital comfort food. Simple, satisfying and almost certainly fattening, games that occupy this space have provided hours of entertainment to gamers across decades. Anyone can hum the theme from Double Dragon and Final Fight proved that Haggar is more than just a brand of slacks. This is a formula that is beloved across all cultures. Examined from the outside, it would seem to be easy to create passable entrant into said classification; there are enough good examples to use as a template and there isn't a hefty amount of technical wizardry required. Well, Rimlight Studios proves the lie of that assumption. In the creation of Zheros, they have demonstrated just how difficult it is to create a decent face puncher. They certainly couldn't pull it off.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around two members of the Zheros squad, Mike the brawler male and Dorian the lithe female. Their mission is to defeat someone named Dr. Vendetta. Should attempting to match wits with someone in possession of a PhD seem daunting, the game makes it obvious that one should not worry. Certainly, if a doctorate was actually granted, it was on an honorary basis only.

One thing for certain: the sheepskin was not for interior decoration. The level design displays all of the hallmark signs of copy and paste. Pathways repeat endlessly, with nothing to differentiate one "room" from the next. Each piece of each level will repeat ad nauseum, leaving the player finding themselves hoping for the blasted stage to just end. But it seemingly never ends. The same exact enemy has only been defeated a few dozen times this level. Anything worth doing a few dozen times is worth doing a few dozen more to finish off the stage. The really frustrating part is that the load screens demonstrate the original intent for the level appearance. Interesting and displaying a true sense of style, the game that these pieces of concept art show off would be so much more worthwhile than what is actually loading.

Still, repetitive environments and level design can easily be given a pass if the actual brawling is worthwhile. In this, it cannot be argued that Rimlight didn't have the right idea. Rimlight Studios seems to have wanted to create a two player beat 'em up built around a robust combo system taken from Devil May Cry or Bayonetta. Imagine a version of River City Ransom melded with one of those stylish action games. The concept is so very sound, but the execution is exceedingly poor. While additional combos can be unlocked via earned skill points, it really does not matter. Here is how to win at Zheros: Roll toward the enemy, then attack. The attack will knock the enemy in the air. Mashing the light attack button will continue the punchy-punchy until it runs its course. Attempting any other course of action, including using the firearms, will leave the hero open to robot punches to the back of the head and explosive-assisted dermabrasion. For the record, this applies to both characters. It seems that the two were intended to feel different. In practice, the strategy remains the same.

Humor could have been something that could provided respite from the doldrums, but this too falls flat. Zhero's idea of rip-roaring wit: Mike unapologetically sits and roots around in his nose at the character select screen. The existence of a "Send More Army" button on the villain's command console may have been the only "joke" that could actually be considered a joke. No one is arguing that all humor has to be Oscar Wilde or some such. Indeed, an innocent, silly sense of wonder and fun can engage better than even the best written drama. Look, for this gig, it's almost a prerequisite for the author to have a relationship with their inner child. I know that I am in constant contact with mine and we both agree: this thing sucks.

Finally,  special notice should be given to the music. Much like the sound of one hand clapping, trying to imagine the sound of easy listening dubstep could have become a Zen mind clearing tool. Zheros ruined that for everyone, because that is what is featured here. Way to ruin inner pace for everyone, guys.

Closing Comments:

Much like The Bible is full of sections of endless "begats," describing Zheros becomes a list of "berefts." It is bereft of charm, bereft of personality, bereft of interesting game mechanics, bereft of decent level design, (*deep breath*), bereft of humor, bereft of soul and bereft of respect for the player's time. Zheros is a beat 'em up that doesn't crash the Xbox One during play. Those are the two nicest things that can be said about it. Arguments could be made that the inception of this title was well intentioned with some great plans, but the execution is where everything falls apart like a Formula One racer held together with Silly Putty. Anyone looking for something better should give up zhope.